Dept. of Alternative Facts: U-go-S-lavi-A

When I was in middle school Civics class, I recall a classmate discussing the dilemma of Yugoslavia. His parents were from that nation, escape out from under their dictator, Tito’s, iron rule. On the one hand, he said that this reign was oppressive. But, on the other hand, he foresaw that when Tito left office, most likely at his death, the nation would fragment into its component, pre-existing regions.

Decades later, what that middle school boy predicted happened. Centuries old division, ethnic relocations and blaming, erupted into the 1990’s war that brought back old boundaries. Tension persist today.

Yugoslavia. U-go-S-lavi-A. Is our nation’s threadbare civility as a union hanging by similarly weak threads? Maybe not centuries old, if we count those on one hand, versus two hands and a foot or two. But, divisive in our origins? Are we wishing to separate ourselves into geographical, ethnic, religious, and economic boundaries? If so, here is my suggestions for our not-so-united nation instead.

I suggest that Canada start building a southern border wall.

(Satire Alert: if you do not like social struggles or justice, you might want to read a gardening blog intead)

ATLANTIS, a state soon to be under-water whether literally or economically

Virginia, (District of Columbia), Maryland, Delaware, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York

PURITANIA, a state founded on rigid beliefs regardless of the topic

Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine

DESOTO, a state explored by an adventurer seeking gold that did not exist (and dying there… maybe we could call it THE VILLAGES if we do not want to acknowledge the Spanish origins of it colinization)

Florida, Georgia, South and North Carolina, Mississippi, Alabama, Louisiana

ALAMO, a state which can make a defeat into a victory

Texas, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Arizona

CORNACOPIA, a state which believes that it must feed the world

Ohio, Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Nebraska, Kansas, Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky

CHEYENE, a state in which displaced indigenous people out number the European immigrants

North and South Dakota, Montana, Wyoming

ROCKVILLE, a state that views getting high can be from mountain climbing, spiritual epiphanies, or tokes, gummies and brownies

Colorado, Nevada, Utah, Idaho

TECHCOASTAL, a state which views life a metaverse of gaming

California, Oregon, Washington

Let’s see. I seem to have left out a three states that do not fit into any of these nations. Let’s figure out what to do with…

Hawaii. That’s easy as it is out in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and does not really fit with any continental set of states. We can just let it be HAWAII, a state of tropic paradise.

Alaska. This is a little tricker, in that it does attach to the North American continent, but is bounded by Canada, Russia, and a lot of water. Though it’s colonization was initially by Russia decades before we decided that it had gold, then oil. Here’s a novel idea. Let’s invite Russia to merge with Alaska. We could call it NATO (NORTH ARCTIC TERRITORIAL ORIENTATION). Then Putin could annex the Urkaine, Belarus, etc without protesting that they are alligning with the European version of NATO. NATO versus NATO. Putin loves confusion, and would probably like to have Alaska back. We’ll throw in Sarah Pallin as Prime Minster to seal the deal.

West Virginia. This is another no-brainer in that West Virginia is the only state fully in the Appalachian Mountains. We’ll just call if APPALACHIA. This does create a very small nation, which has geographic, historical and cultural connections with other regions of the Appalachian Mountains. Maybe Appalachia could negotiate with the newly formed nations surrounding for some land transactions, say, including the Blue Ridge regions of Virginia and North Carolina (the Shenandoah Valley to Asheville), the western regions of Pennsylvania and New York. With Pittsburg in the deal, we would get sports teams (Steelers, Pirates, Penguins), a symphony orchestra, and a great art museum (Frick Collection). That sounds like a win-win to me.

Now, why go to all this trouble? Cohesive social unity? Regional governance? Tighter economic zones?

Let’s give each new nation the Constitution with its 28 amendments. Let them clean up outdated texts, select out the sections they like and discard those they don’t, and clarify vague language that competing sides wish to interpret according to differing assumptions about what a group of European men meant 250 years ago.

Of course, this is likely to result in ten different Constitutions, so we will need another level of communication and cooperation between these new nations, and possibly a few others in the North American continent. The League of Nations and United Nations have already been used, so let’s call it NAFTA (North American Freedom Treaty Association). We will include the new nation south of us, MY-AXTECIA, consisting of the regions from Panama to Mexcio, and north of us, CROWN, consisting of the regions of Canada which speak English, ARCADIA, which speak French, and NORDICA, Greenland, Iceland, and other regions with Viking origins.

Now, if we do this, all of our problems with be solved. We will have no one to demonize as enemies. No need for culture wars or civl wars.


About hermitsdoor

Up here in the mountains, we have a saying, "You can't get there from here", which really means "We wouldn't go the trouble to do that". Another concept is that "If you don't know, we ain't telling." For the rest, you'll have to read between the lines.
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10 Responses to Dept. of Alternative Facts: U-go-S-lavi-A

  1. Alas, there always seem to be culture wars. Funny when you really think about it, as I suspect most people, regardless of political beliefs, pretty much do the same things: work, cook, go to school, watch a little bit of television, take care of their families.

  2. You put a lot of thought into the new Untied States of America. It’s a bit funny, but also sad. I wonder if even the powerful United States can withstand the forces of polarization, misinformation, etc. Things we never thought would happen, like: the election of Trump, and on a much smaller scale, the truckers’ protest shutting down parts of Canada.

    • hermitsdoor says:

      Regarding the election of Trump and other social phenomenon over the past few years, my nephew summed it well: we got what we deserved. Trump, trucker’s protests, etc. are symptoms of the illness of society. The question is, “Is there a cure?”

  3. Hi Oscar,
    Great writing! It is both funny and sad, and also scary. I have been always in awe of the US, potent and powerful, a shining example to the world; and now I just don’t know what to think. It seems that the mighty has fallen. Was it just an illusion?
    ps. I think that gardening can be controversial too, depending on who is the gardener, and what is he planting. 😉 just being silly.
    Blessings to you! ♥

    • hermitsdoor says:

      I would lean toward illusions, as is much of life. As to the dangers of gardening, I recall over 35 years ago, when I lived in Queens, I used to garden around the apartment building. This lead to some contacts (I won’t go so far as friendships) with other gardeners in the neighborhood. You would think it would be all paradise, plants and such. Oh, garden opinions lead to all sorts of strife when they were in conflict about what types of flowers to put around trees, which branches to trim back, etc. etc. An angry gardener with hedge trimmers can be a scary sight! 🏡🧑‍🌾

  4. Brother Dave says:

    A little nod to Groucho Marx, “I’m not sure I’d want to be a part any country that would have me.”

    I’m pretty sure the only reason I’m a US citizen is because of the 15th Amendment and the birthright citizenship it affords to all born here. An amendment by the way, that my home state of California refused to ratify.

  5. Lavinia Ross says:

    I’ve been watching “The Last Kingdom” and thinking things have not changed much. 🙂

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