Confessions of a Mid-Life Love

P1060793Romantic relationships follows some predictable patterns across life.  The young courting time pushes desire, aspiration, and being reasonable into a sorting out process, which hopefully results in finding companionship as well as intimacy over the years.  The newlywed can act on those passions with a little more regularity, both because of social acceptance and proximity… at least until the children come about.  The years of generativity might see the coals cool a bit, as work, bills, and rearing family take precedence over responding to every erection.  Sex might become more planned, after the children’s’ bedtime or when the they are away for camp or a sleep over (gives new meaning to that term), or spontaneous because they will not be home from school for another hour.  As mid-life changes begin, sex requires additional considerations and cues to be heeded.  When your wife mentions that she is feeling hot, she is probably asking you to have the courtesy to turn on the ceiling fan, not go for a grope.

TMI Alert.  If love and marriage are not topics that you wish to read about, you might pass on this one.  However, I shall not be giving away any stories that I would not tell over the dinner table, so you need not worry about blushing the next time we dine.  Conversely, if you are looking for 50 Shade of Gray, I probably would not get near more than about 2.5 shades.  You will be disappointed.

After 20 years of marriage, we run the ceiling fan most of the time now.  However, this does not mean that the quality of our sexual experiences is any diminished.  But, for a mid-life guy, time becomes a factor.  Usually, when we refer to a “biological clock”, we think of a woman in her 30’s becoming anxious to marry and start having children.  Maybe education and career consumed her 20’s.  Maybe she had some false starts.  The biology of the clock stops with menopause.

For men, the biological clock starts when the ceiling fan starts running more than it is off.  About this time, your father also starts counseling you about enjoying sex into your 60’s and 70’s, but do not delay, least your penis gets less rigid as your arteries harden.  For many men, their mid-70’s is when the prior course of sex changes.  Either it becomes a thing of the past, or they buy pills advertised by guys in sports cars.  So, being in the early 50’s that leaves about 20 years on the clock. Tick, Tick, Tick.

Given that this is a guy’s blog, let’s do the math.  365 days x 20 years, works out to about 7300 opportunities for sex with your adored wife.  However, you have to subtract out those days when the opportunity is of low probability.  Work-nights, when family is staying over, travel days, days laboring in the garden when sleep overtakes you before nightfall, occasional spats and mis-communication days, ceiling fan nights, cold winter nights and hot-humid summer nights, evenings out when the dinner party, concert, or theatre ends after your bedtime, etc.  To be realistic, this works out to about 2 opportunities per month, maybe 3 if luck comes your way.  Thus, we are at 24 day x 20 years, or 480 sexual exploits.  So, what do you do to enhance those occasions, or maybe slip in that 3 monthly tryst?

A year ago November, I contemplated this situation.  I was in a hotel alone, attending a two-day training conference.  The Indian restaurant that is top on my list was in the same strip-mall as an adult store (aka porn shop), which I by passed.  In prior conversations with my wife, we had discussed how men and women approach romance and sex differently.  In general terms, men are attracted visually to women, thus interested in the images of love.  Women are attracted by the relationship, thus interested in the interaction that leads up to love.

In my contemplation, I considered what I might do to provide a little eye-candy for the guy-side, as a little romantic relationship building for the gal-side.  In addition to being the chief laundry-man in our household, I am the procurer of bras and panties, for Christmas, Valentines Day, anniversaries, and birthdays.  Most of what you find in the mall stores is either conservative, or too embarrassing to walk around with in the store. But, being in a hotel room with internet service, I could do a little research.

Okay, how do you spell “lingerie”?  L-O-N-G… L-U-N-G… L-A-W-N…  I was not getting far.  Wait, it’s a French word, right.  Try some vowel combination that does not look right, but might sound correct in French.  L-I-N-G… Bing, “lingerie” comes up on my P1060782Google Search.  But, oh no, 124,000,000 hits for women’s frillies!  How to sort this out.  The names seem to range from raunchy to chic, but the sites seem to carry the same merchandise.  Guess some off-shore factory is supplying any number of warehouses with women’s nickers.  Most sites carried thousands of products, most of which would burn a hole in our mail box if I ordered them.  For this scheme to work, I need to be selective.  Then, trying to guess how a clothing item would translate from the air-brushed, cosmetic-surgery enhanced models to my wife figure tipped the risk-benefit analysis.  I made a couple of bumbled attempts that were about as painful as dating with braces.  Hmmm.  I’d better refine my strategy.

P1060784By circumstance, a couple of my wife’s long-time female friends were visiting one weekend.  I happened to over-hear one mention that she used a website, herroom.com.  H-E-R-R-O-O-M-.-C-O-M.  Bingo.  A range of women’s clothes and lingerie from practical to enticing.  This site provided a lot more information for sizing, and suggestions of what would look good on different body shapes.  They appeared to be marketing toward women (and their husbands) who were not 20 year-old pencils or pin-ups.

P1060785However, the options were still vast: 2390 bras, 1772 panties, 4628 lingerie items.  Wow. How to filter to what might be within range for consideration for a cuddly evening.  After some poking around, I figured out that the site contained categories with drop down menus.   Let’s try, “brand”.  Woah!  18 brands under “A” alone.  The names ranged from the well-known (Jockey, Bali, Warners) to the sophisticated (Armani, Cleo by Panache, On Gossomar) to the risqué (Hanky Panky, Juicy Contour, Miss Smarty Pants).

P1060788Then, I noticed that if I went to a category, say “bras”, I could select size, style, color, and/or brand.  Size, I knew.  Style.  Woah!  There were 131 descriptions of bra characteristics.  The names were an intriguing distraction.  What does “conical” look like vs “compression”?  Then there were words I recall my wife using, such as “Get me some camisoles with shelf bras.  Those are comfortable to wear after a day working in the garden.” I click on “shelf P1060790bra”.  Oh, my.  Rather than getting extra-lined camisoles with some lift, I found what looked like the underwire support of a bra without the cups, and the models holding their arms and hand over their bare breasts and nipples.  Hmmm.  Eye candy, but that would probably be another trip to the orthodontist chair at 15.

Well, I finally found the right mix of nipple concealing, “minimizer bra”, and funderwear revealing, “lace bra”.  Just need to select the correct size and range of colors.   Dinner, entertainment, foot massage.   479 opportunities to go for this mid-life love. What’s that link on the bottom of the left column, hisroom.com?  Woah!

Happy Valentines Day.

P. S.  After my “research” my wife wanted to know why bras and panties were chasing our computer around every website she went to.  Hmmmm.

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About hermitsdoor

Up here in the mountains, we have a saying, "You can't get there from here", which really means "We wouldn't go the trouble to do that". Another concept is that "If you don't know, we ain't telling." For the rest, you'll have to read between the lines.
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6 Responses to Confessions of a Mid-Life Love

  1. RMW says:

    You are a brave man, indeed!

  2. Mother Suzanna says:

    I’m speechless.

  3. I hung in there and it was a fun read!

    • hermitsdoor says:

      Glad you enjoyed it. In addition to giving my readers a chuckle, I wanted to demonstrate that happily married couples can enjoy sexual enticement. Too much of our literary traditions either promote sexual desire as the realm only of single people or cheating, you know, looking for the knight to rescue the princess, soft to hard porn, unrequited love, etc. Thanks for “hanging in” to the end.

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